The Truth

Everyone claims to tell it. I'd be willing to bet that everyone wants to find it. Most value it. But, the truth about the truth is, there's much more to it than that. Often, it is feared. And, sometimes, despite the good it should do, it hurts like hell. We don't reveal it half as often as we claim to. And, if we do find it, we often wish that we could go back in time to before we knew it...or we wish we hadn't wanted to know it so much. The truth is, everyone has their own version. Everyone is afraid of it (at some point). Many times, we aren't sure ourselves what the truth actually is. And, if we're completely honest, in most cases, we really "can't handle the truth".

The truth, when revealed (whether to or by us), should make us stand taller and more self-assured and self-aware, but it most often doesn't. That is because it is so often hidden or tweaked or manipulated. Even if it is eventually revealed, it has somehow crippled us as we waited for it. It makes us weak and vulnerable. We're distrustful and cynical. It changes us. It saddens us. It hardens us. So, even when we learn the truth, the next time, we are terrified by the thought of it. We know what it eventually did to us the last time. We know what we went through to reach it. And, sometimes we feel we just aren't strong enough to endure that again.

Because we trusted and were hurt. We believed and were lied to. We hoped and were left with shattered dreams. Our greatest fears were realized. And it hurt like hell when it happened. And it took weeks, months, years, even, to heal. And, we're still left with a scar...a not so gentle or kind reminder of what once was and of what once happened.

But, we're told to get back up on the horse and ride again. We're told there is still good in the world. We're told never to give up on ourselves or on our dreams or on people. So we listen. We try again. We TRUST again.

Then, there comes a point where we just can't try anymore. We can't trust anymore. Some call it cynical. Some call it jaded. But the truth is, we didn't get this way because we wanted to be like this. Sure, much of it is probably our fault. To be sure we've lied too...of course we have. And, if we have ever truly, deeply, or even often been lied to, we should be more than willing to admit that we have lied--big, hurtful, tragic, searing, lies--to others, even those we should have loved, protected, and been most honest with. Because the truth is, lies probably hurt the most when they come from someone you love, especially if they say they love you too. When a person realizes how capable they are of lying, they start to doubt the honesty and sincerity of others. And upon realizing the immense pain that they feel when they've been lied to, inspite, perhaps, of their honesty, it's unbelieveable and unforgettable, the most heart-breaking, unpleasant thing. And, so a vicious cycle begins..."I'll be only so honest as I know it won't hurt me". "I'll give only enough to get from you in return". "I know we can't trust each other really, so why even bother?". This becomes our TRUTH. The "strong" or "brave"...or "desperate" and "naive"...of us may even try to break the cycle once or twice. But then we learn another truth. It can't be broken. When everyone distrusts, no one can trust, and so no one tells the truth.

I know what you're thinking by this point: who is this crazy, cynical, scorned person? Who ticked her off? Who hurt her feelings? Who lied to her? She must be super-gullible or naivete or something. Think what you will...you're entitled to. But, if you want it, here is my version of the truth...

It does not matter how "nice" or "respectable" or "great" of a person you are (or someone thinks you are), at some point, you've lied, with-held or manipulated the truth. I lied about some of my feelings (and with-held much of the truth from) to a person who probably did love me more than life itself. I've been lied to by people that I knew were "bad" or "deceptive" and by those that everyone else swears is an angel on earth. I say I love and trust my family and my best friends (and I do truly love them, and I trust them more than most), but I still with-hold certain information from them, or I may even out-right lie. (I know, I'm an awful person, right?! If you were being honest with yourself, you would realize I'm not the only one.) Why do I do this? Maybe part of it is because I know that they are not always being honest with me. Who wants to risk exposing all of their sins, secrets, and fears when they know that it won't be reciprocated? Maybe it's partly because I don't want to hurt them, or disappoint them.

You want the truth? The truth is that nobody is really willing to give it. And I'm ready to believe that the truth may actually be forgotten...a lost art. And though I was once an advocate for the truth, the truth seems to be that typically you get hurt and disappointed either way. I'm almost ready to believe it's better to be told that I look great in those jeans, and that he will call tomorrow because he does actually love me (and mean it!).